Fibro Friday - Fibro is a pain ihe ... everywhere Part 2

 Some people can do more than others and gentle workouts can be very beneficial (we’ll talk more about that later). I just want to warn you that stressing your muscles can cause a very nasty response – and if you have any of the other associated disorders they may be triggered by the flare as well. Think about that dragon. It’s okay (and even good to do gentle workouts) but if you push it too far, you’ll wake the beast and face its fiery wrath.

Pain is one of the most talked about and problematic symptoms of fibro. One of these problems is how to treat the pain. I can’t count how many people have been discounted because they were in genuine pain and found it difficult to find relief. Fibro is cyclical in nature (I’m stressed so I don’t feel well, which increases the stress on my body, so I may feel worse, and that causes stress – and so on). The longer you struggle to find a treatment plan, the more serious your pain can get and the more problems you may have. Despite this difficulty, insurance concerns in a lot of places are causing physicians to put tighter controls on even the non-narcotic pain medications that are used to treat fibro.

            There isn’t one right treatment regimen for everyone with fibro. It’s important to do your homework on the medications available and their side effects as well as how they interact with anything else you may be taking. I was given a prescription for a medication that had a potentially deadly interaction by one doctor and only realized it after I started taking it. I became physically ill. When I notified the doctor and asked for a substitute, the doctor prescribed a second medication with the same interaction. This time I was smarter and had looked up the medication first. When I contacted the office and told them my concerns, I was told I wasn’t a doctor and shouldn’t be second guessing him. He was my specialist. I called my family practice doctor and explained the situation to him. He agreed I shouldn’t be on the meds. I ended up firing the specialist.

            It took a lot of work for me to find the balance of medications I have now. I don’t think it’s perfect, but when I compare how I manage and feel to how I was before, the improvement is remarkable. I think it takes a lot of patience from both you and your doctor. It’s also important to have realistic expectations.  No one has discovered a cure for Fibro (or any of the associated disorders) as of this writing. We need to be looking for improvement and management, not a miracle cure.

            There are also non-medication routes you can take to offer relief from pain. Some people experience better results than others. Many of these methods don’t have the clinical trials or safety regulations that protect consumers from abuse. Still, there are a lot of non-traditional remedies that can be helpful. I’ll share some of these in a later chapter. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you discuss it all with a doctor you trust. Then keep that doctor informed of any changes you make. Some vitamins and supplements can interact with medications (or cause problems with certain health conditions – like greater risk of bleeding, or raising blood pressure), so they’ll need to have an updated list of what you’re taking to avoid any problems. You should also discuss physical therapy, massage, chiropractic therapy, acupuncture, and anything similar in case it could aggravate an old injury and just to make sure that your doctor is fully aware of everything in case something goes wrong (or right). He or she will probably be thrilled that you’re trying methods that don’t involve prescriptions to manage your pain.

Cat Intro - Esther

 

This gorgeous girl is Esther.  She's my miracle.  She was rescued from under our local courthouse.  She evaded capture for a couple weeks and was pretty sick because of it. Her mother was nowhere to be found and she had serious heart problems as well as minor wounds. She couldn't maintain her body temperature. She wouldn't eat and didn't move much at all.  My vet suggested euthanasia.  

I was already in love - and willing to try anything so he gave me a referral to K-STATE Veterinarians.  The good news was she had gained weight (round the clock syringe feedings every 2 hours). The bad news was she had congestive heart failure probably due to malnutrition.  Her heart was in such bad shape they didn't offer any guarantees. They got her on a couple different medications and she improved dramatically.  

Suddenly she was eating on her own, playing with another kitten rescued two weeks earlier from under the courthouse, and purring.  We sent a video to the heart doctor and he was shocked at her improvement.  A few months later she didn't need the medication anymore and her heart was totally normal. 

She's a completely healthy cat today.  She is very sweet and mischievous. Her story and sweet personality are a constant inspiration to me.  

Fibro Friday - Fibro - a pain in the ... everywhere

 

            Sometimes I think I never really understood pain until Fibromyalgia.It’s especially fun to describe it to doctors or your friends and family. I was on a facebook page for people with fibromyalgia and other disorders Facebook - But You Don't Look Sick and one of the ladies shared that she wished her pain would stay in one place. I could totally relate to that! I remember trying to explain my pain to a doctor the first time and telling him it was varying – sharp at times, achy at others, and that it often traveled. He looked at me like I had claimed to be Elvis Presley back from the dead.

Not one to quit easily, I tried pulling out my bag of writer tricks. I told him to imagine a picture of lightning. A photograph captures features we can’t normally see or focus on when we only catch a glimpse during a storm. Most photos show lots of “arms” or branches shooting off the main bolt. My pain is intense for a moment in one spot and then moves to another, then another – like a bolt of lightning traveling through my body. In case you’re wondering, my doctor still saw me trying to perform Blue Suede Shoes.

Okay - so then I would move on the the pain that feels deep - like it's in your bones. I initially thought it was some sort of early onset arthritis - but my doctors assure me my bones are fine and it's actually the muscle and nerves causing my pain. Sometimes I still could swear someone has taken a corkscrew to my bones. 

            Then I’d try to explain the sensitive skin. That one is so much fun. Fibro affects each person differently so you may not have had problems with this, but I know quite a few who have. Sometimes it can feel as if you’ve gotten the worse sunburn in your life. It stings and clothing hurts when it brushes across it. Everyone I’ve talked to has only had this in certain areas of their body and there are no physical marks or redness on their skin. Another delightful way this can show itself is to make it feel as if you’re bruised when nothing has happened. My especially fun combo is that I tend to have problems with the back of one of my thighs (only one - don’t ask me why) and I have IBS so I end up spending, um, unfortunate amounts of time sitting on toilets. TMI? Sorry.

            This whole skin sensitivity truly adds a lot to the romance department though. I know, the normal “tenderness” and honest to goodness pain we all feel can kill a romantic mood faster than skunk spray. We’ve all been there. There are times though when it feels as if our own skin is turning against us. My poor husband is a serious cuddler. I love him so much and wish I could return the sentiment. Unfortunately, a lot of the time his squeezes and caresses feel more like cuffs and clobbers. That isn’t helpful for setting the mood.

            Even when you’re trying to do something positive and healthful it can backfire. Let me confess—one of my “dirty” words is exercise. I know it’s supposed to be good for you, but I’ll bet most fibro patients have experienced a flare from it. If you aren’t familiar with the term “flare,” it’s used to describe a time when you’re symptoms are much worse than they normally are. It’s like the slow drip of our normal “faucet” of pain has been replaced by a fire hose. Some of my worst flares have come from trying to work out. The problem comes because workouts are supposed to be good for us, but any stress on your body can cause a flare. So, if you stress your muscles too much … flare.

            I remember my first workout flare. I was struggling with my weight and dieting just wasn’t working. I’d been active most of my life. Army training wasn’t a joke and I’d done some pretty serious home workouts as well. I knew about sore muscles and I’d put up with the pain of fibro so far. I figured I could handle it (I can hear you laughing). I could barely move for over a week. This went way beyond normal workout pain. Being about as smart as a rock, I tried again a couple weeks later. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out I ended up not wanting to move or have anything touch me for days – again. It didn’t make sense to keep it up because I couldn’t make any progress if I was bedridden for that long after each workout. It was like someone had beaten me from head to toe, plus every other disorder I had acted up as well.

            

Doctors - Fibro

 

One of the most important decisions you can make related to Fibromyalgia is your doctor. Most people I know were directed by their normal doctors to Rhuemotologists or pain center doctors. I have seen both. I also saw a neurologist when I was still seeking a diagnosis and had some strange symptoms (especially a tremor) that they thought may be due to a neurological problem.

The neurologist was less than helpful. I was in a flare at the time (so bad that I had pulled my news to my chest in the car and cried all the way to his office). The tremor was worse when I was tired or stressed out and it didn't show up until almost the end of our appointment. It was the only thing he was interested in - he ignored all my other complaints. His diagnosis and expert advice? I was getting older and "it all goes downhill after the age of 18." I was 28 years old at the time. 

Then I saw a Rhuematologist that did a tenderpoint exam and diagnosed me with one of the worst cases of Fibromyalgia he had ever seen. I was relieved to have an answer and did a ton of research when I got home. He was a very nice man - and I believe he tried to help. He put me on medication. The problem was he ignored my medical chart and gave me medicines that interacted with other prescriptions I was taking -- and also ignored allergies listed on my chart. I had a couple very bad reactions before I realized what was happening and asked my primary care doctor to take over management of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia.

The pain management doctor told me Fibromyalgia pain was all "in my head" and due to abuse. When I asked what he meant, he told me most Fibromyalgia patients were victims of child or sexual abuse whether they would admit it or not - and their symptoms were psychological and not physical. Seriously?

It may take some trial and error to find a doctor who listens and you can trust. It's very important though. Some suggestions I have for making the most out of an appointment are:

• Make a list of any questions or concerns you have. Leave space to jot down notes on the answers given as well. When you're in the office, it can be hard to remember everything -- and it may take another 6 months or a year before you're seen again - so you don't want to forget anything.
• Make sure you share any supplements you're trying with the doctor. Some supplements interact with medications making them not work - or even have a bad reaction. 
• Note any helpful things you've tried. It may lead the doctor to another medication or activity that could be even more helpful. 
• If you have any new negative side effects or symptoms (even if you think it's unrelated to Fibromyalgia) share them. 
• If the doctor is prescribing a new medication, make a point of asking if this will interact with any medications you are already taking - and any side effects or allergic reactions you should be on the lookout for. Just asking will probably cause them to take a second look at your chart and could avoid any mistakes.
• Look up those new medications for yourself - and/or ask the pharmacist questions. 

Also - if your doctor ignores you, makes mistakes with medications, never has time for questions, etc., find a new doctor. You need someone you can trust fighting beside you.

Take care of yourselves - you're worth it.

Cat Intro - Faith

You have no idea how hard it is to find pictures of Faith's pretty face! She is nearly always cuddling with Thomas - and upside down.  We make a lot of jokes about how regal and dignified she is. lol

We got her to be a companion for Thomas. When we went to the shelter the kittens were all crying and scratching at us through the bars. Then there was Faith. She didn't cry - just a couple normal meows. She rubbed up against the cage and invited pets - but didn't try to grab or scratch us. Her behavior was so different from the other kittens that I worried she was sick or something.

We were told she took a fall and may have had a broken leg. They had not done xrays or anything. I felt so bad for her that she was the one we picked and we took her to the vet before going home. Her leg was fine. The vet said maybe she had pulled a muscle or sprained something - but no broken legs and she was walking fine.

She likes to have "conversations" with us. She has a loud and raspy meow. We joke that she must be a closet smoker.  She is showing her age a bit more than Thomas. She never really was a zoomer - but she has definately slowed down and her movements seem a bit stiff every now and then. Her labs showed she's still healthy and we hope we have her and Thomas both for many years to come.

Fibromyalgia - The dragon

This picture is an item sold on Amazon: Sleeping Dragon Figure

When I started writing my book one of the things I noticed was a lot of people were very depressed and mad a themselves. When I talked to them about it, I noticed they often internalized Fibromyalgia as part of themselves. They would say "my Fibro" has killed my relationship or "my Fibro" made me lose my job,  etc.. Some went even further - saying their body had betrayed them and how much they hated it. Believe me, I could relate.

What I suggested was that they see it more like something that was a part of their environment -- not a part of themselves or their body. You see - how can we strengthen and protect something we hate? If we see Fibromyalgia as a part of our body - then our body becomes the enemy. Our body has to be important to us - and something we appreciate and try to make better. Hating it is self destructive.

Instead, try to imagine Fibromyalgia as a dragon. We live with this dragon. We have yet to find an escape from it - so we try to find a way to avoid serious injury. The dragon is the enemy. The dragon is to be respected and even feared. Sometimes the dragon sleeps -- and then we feel better, safer. So we try hard to make it sleep - and to keep it asleep.

Those are the things we do to keep Fibromyalgia in check. Getting enough sleep, stretching, not overdoing chores or workouts.... When we have a flare, that means the dragon woke up and is terrorizing us. What can we do then to quiet him? Maybe a soak in a warm tub with salts and oils that help stress relief, taking our meds, etc.

I hope today your dragon is sleeping peacefully.

Good News

It can be really depressing to watch the news these days. I don't know about you - but I have been really wanting some positive - encouraging news.

I read an old copy of Reader's Digest and it was listing cities in all 50 states - highlighting good things. So I skimmed until I found my state (Kansas) and looked at what was listed.

It was really wonderful because it wasn't just a "nice" program. A woman and her son both struggled with addiction to opioids. Her son lost his battle. She overcame and turned that horrible experience and loss into a positive by donating her house to help others who are struggling.

Now her house not only provides shelter and help to women - but those women also reach out and give to others who are in need. It's a great story and the impact is amazing. It's called Cedar House and here is their website where you can read more about it: The Cedar House

It just takes a little light to drive away the darkness. Look for the light and have a great day!

Cat Intro - Thomas

My cats are a bit like my children. We have a lot of them and they are all different. I thought I would introduce you to them.

The oldest is Thomas. He was surrendered with his whole litter to the shelter. His family thought they would sell the kittens for profit - but that was harder than they expected. Supposedly one of his parents was part Maine Coon, but he is small and doesn't have the face shape. So he is technically a domestic medium hair tabby with white. This picture isn't great - I'll look for or take a better one -- but he does have the mane around his face, shorter hair at the neck and then fluffs out again all the way to his tail - which he waves around like a flag.

When we adopted him he cried until we put an arm next to the crate. He put his paw out to hold on and he was calm the rest of the way. He still likes to be touching one of us most of the time. So much for stand offish and unemotional cats. lol

He is getting up there - 15 years old now. He is the one who always "greeted" any new cats first and I have adorable pictures of the kittens cuddling with him. (They loved to play with that super fluffy tail.)

He is very bonded to another cat we got about a week later, named Faith. I'll tell more about her in my next intro.

Through the Fog

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about the time people  stopped writing on stone tablets. Okay - slight exaggeration - but it was a very long time ago. It was a time when most people weren't entirely sure Fibromyalgia was real. Many doctors either outright denied it as a true medical diagnosis or didn't know anything about it.

It was hard to get a diagnosis - and even harder to find treatment and support. I struggled through and did a lot of research on my own. I figured out some things with a lot of trial and error. The only real books available were written by doctors and half the time you couldn't understand what they were saying. They also very often contradicted each other.

That's when I thought a book that talked to Fibromyalgia patients - from a normal person's point of view and gathering websites, articles, etc. might be helpful. I got a first draft done and then I got sick. Very sick. I had chronic lung infections for over 9 years. They still don't know why. I waffled between so sick I was nearly hospitalized to a bad cold. Of course - Fibromyalgia kicked into overdrive and I was nearly always in flare mode.

I didn't write, I rarely read. I just existed. I barely did the things I needed to do. The book was forgotten.

Now I hope those chronic infections are behind me - so I started digging out those old projects. The Fibromyalgia book seemed less necessary. There are lots of blogs and websites to give people support these days. I considered forgetting it altogether, but I was convinced there may be something in there that can still speak to someone going through Fibromyalgia and associated disorders. So, my plan is to post at least once a week from that material (with updated resources and links).

I hope someone finds it helpful. So look for something Fibromyalgia related on here at least every Friday.

Sneezy and Itchy

That same grass that gives my kitties so much joy. makes me itch, sneeze, and my respiratory system complain. I wish I knew a way to fix it. I take zyrtec every day. I take flonase during the "growing" season, I try to stay indoors and I even tried the steroid shot. I'm still miserable.

Don't get me wrong, without the meds things are much worse (except the shot - that didn't help at all and actually seemed to make my symptoms worse). If I go outside, I end up scratching all over and the coughing and sneezing becomes much more than occasional. If I stay out there long enough - or heaven help me - actually touch the grass -- then I end up with a rash and sometimes these asthma like attacks with wheezing.

This makes it really hard when activities tend to surround backyards, barbecue grills or my grandchildren wanting to play outside.

I found out about the grass allergy when I was trying to fix my chronic lung infection. The specialist did a blood test. My new doctor gave me the steroid shot a month ago -- and said if it didn't work we could look into allergy testing at my next appointment (a year from now).

So, has anyone had similar issues and come up with a different/better fix?

Grass for Cats

With 11 cats, I dedicate a good bit of time to finding ways to enrich their lives, keep their attention, get them thinking/solving puzzles, and so on. The truth is, if they're busy and happy, they are less likely to fight with each other or destroy things. Plus I just  genuinely like making them happy.

A lot of houseplants are deadly to cats. Houseplants Poisonous to Cats They are so curious about them though. Behaviorists say for every "no" to your cat, you should also provide at least one yes. Catnip is easy to grow and can be an option - but some cats don't like it or have a negative reaction. I'll do a post on Catnip later, but today I wanted to talk about grasses.

Most cats seem to really like grasses and they can help with minor digestive problems as well. Cat safe grass is easy and pretty cheap to grow as well.

The two cats in the picture are Faith (a senior tuxedo) and Maya (a 7 year old calico). The planter I used was purchased on Amazon. When I stopped being able to find refills for it, I looked and saw the same variety of seeds were available in mixes - and I bought a bag of seed starter pellets as well. It was cheaper and I get the same stuff as before! There are several different types and sizes of starter kits available as well.

I like this mix (Oat, Barley, Wheat, and Rye) because different cats seem to prefer different grasses. Usually I keep it away from the cats until it is about 3 inches tall. Let them chew on it until it's short (with my crew that can be an hour or two), then take it away again and let it grow back out. It only takes about a week to be ready from seed and I usually get three or four sessions in before the grass is just not wanting to grow back anymore. You may be able to stretch it out even longer.

The biggest keys to success are not over watering it because that can grow mold, and letting it grow fairly thick so they don't just pull out the baby plants.

If you try this or already grow cat grass, let me know what your cats think and share any tips.

Happy Independence Day!

One of my sons and his children are coming to visit tomorrow. So, I wanted to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Independence Day.

When I was around 10, our family was overseas and went to a picnic on the base with fireworks afterwards. Everyone sat on blankets and it was crowded with friends and strangers. Next to us was a rowdy group in military clothing. They were nice - and more than a little drunk. One of them asked me, "Why are there fireworks?" I told him we were celebrating our independence. "Independence from what?" he asked. That's when I noticed he had a British accent. They got quite a kick out of how red faced I was. 

This has always been a time of family, friends, food, and fireworks. It's different this year, but I hope we all take a moment to reflect on what the holiday is really about and how important our freedom is. We have a unique history. None of our founders were perfect. but they accomplished an amazing feat and our nation has been instrumental in helping to spread freedom across the globe.

We have a lot to be thankful for. If you know a veteran. thank them for their service in maintaining that freedom. If you get to be with your family, make sure you tell them how much you love them.

Be safe and enjoy our hard fought freedoms.

I'm Back!

It has been a long time - and I am not sure anyone will even visit here anymore - but I'm back!

During the last 10 years I moved 5 times. One of those moves took us out of state. I was very sick. I had some kind of serious lung infection that they still haven't identified. I ran a fever off and on and always had a productive cough and difficulty breathing. I took antibiotics, saw specialists, had all kinds of tests done... I even had a surgical procedure where they flushed out my lungs, and then tested some of the nastiness that came out. That was supposed to be the answer - but even after two more rounds of antibiotics I was still coughing. Then three months later the cough just stopped. I don't know why. It stayed away for a couple months - then came back but not as serious. Now I sometimes cough and sometimes not. I would love any prayers or advice anyone might have.

With my health better - and this being my "last" move - I am hoping to get back to reading and writing more. I still have a bunch of ideas to work on.

Other things in life have changed as well. My boys are grown and gone. They are both married and we now have 4 grandchildren - three boys and a girl! She is the youngest and very rare for our family. Only boys have been born for a few generations.

All my furbabies are healthy and keeping us on our toes.

I pray your family is healthy and well and I look forward to connecting with you all soon.

A Heart Most Certain - Review

Title: A Heart Most Certain

Back Cover Blurb: A Fresh Voice in Historical Romance! 
Lydia King knows what it's like to be in need, so when she joins the Teaville Moral Society, she genuinely hopes to help the town's poor. But with her father's debts increasing by the day and her mother growing sicker by the week, she wonders how long it will be until she ends up in the poor house herself. Her best chance at a financially secure future is to impress the politician courting her, and it certainly doesn't hurt that the moral society's president is her suitor's mother. Her first task as a moral society member—to obtain a donation from Nicholas Lowe, the wealthiest man in town—should be easy . . . except he flat-out refuses.
Despite appearances, Nicholas wants to help others but prefers to do it his own way, keeping his charity private. When Lydia proves persistent, they agree to a bargain, though Nicholas has a few surprises up his sleeve. Neither foresee the harrowing complications that will arise from working together. When town secrets are brought to light, this unlikely pair must decide where their beliefs—and hearts—truly align. 

My Take: 

I love the cover! So pretty!

This was an interesting book featuring a topic not covered by many books in Christian fiction. I thought it was thought-provoking and helped give faces and a new perspective to a controversial subject. How can Christians best minister to those thoroughly lost and in horrible situations like prostitution? 

Today it is both easier and harder to move on from your past and get a fresh start. There are still those in the church who refuse to associate with anyone who has been in any kind of real trouble. How can we help if we see them as ... "less" worthy than the rest of us?

I thought it was unique to have both main characters come from a place of judgment and prejudice - but on different sides. Lydia was following the crowd of "moral" women who thought the people in bars and brothels were beneath them and should be eradicated and removed rather than rehabilitated or assisted. Mr Lowe believed the church was full of worthless hypocrites that didn't and couldn't care for those less fortunate and trapped in the "seedy" side of town.

Neither were totally correct and both wanted to please God. It was also interesting that both thought they weren't good enough for the other person to be genuinely interested in them as a spouse. Though their respect and admiration for each other grew, I could see the possibility that they would never end up together because of their steadfast refusal to think the other person genuinely cared about them.

Both had complex back stories that helped make their characters -- and their current reactions and feelings -- seem more realistic. 

It was a good book and well written. I want to thank the publisher for providing my copy, though it in no way influenced my review. 

A Shout in the Dark

I've been working on a book about Fibromyalgia for.... too long. Part of the problem is I wanted to write the book to help people struggling with this kind of.... fuzzy illness that isn't understood well by even members of the medical community. Nobody was there to answer my questions and I wanted to help educate, empower, and encourage people. The problem is that I am not always very inspired, encouraged, or empowered myself.

So, I'm writing this post more or less as a stress reliever for myself. I'm hoping that by putting my frustration into words and sending it out -- it will be a kind of therapy. So, only read on at your own risk.

I am feeling defeated lately. I'm alone, sick, tired, in pain, and I just want it to stop. I'm a Christian - so I keep thinking that I shouldn't feel this way. I should find the lesson, know God is with me, and have hope. I don't lie though -- so I don't feel any of those things. Like Paul, I have prayed and prayed for even part of it to go away. It hasn't. Unlike Paul, I don't feel like God's strength is being glorified by my weakness. I am a failure in every part of my life.

Here's the list: Fibromyalgia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Asthma, Allergies, Chronic Migraines, Severe Insomnia, Hair Loss, Osler-Rendy-Weber (a blood disorder), Obesity, High Cholesterol, and a severe, chronic, and productive cough that nobody has been able to find a cause or treatment for.

It's not a life threatening list. I have had family members fight MS, Lupus, Cancer, Heart disease, and diabetes. I know my list isn't as serious as all that. Still.... The things I suffer from interact and trigger each other. Two of the most recent things are a particular problem that I can't seem to manage or overcome.

I had two boys. Both were miracles as I wasn't supposed to be able to have children. Both were born early - but both weighed almost nine pounds and I gained a lot of weight with each pregnancy. I retained water when pregnant - so much so that I had legs that looked like columns -- with none of the slimmer areas like around your ankles.

Those boys and the extra weight have weakened my bladder. Combine a weak bladder with a severe chronic cough and you have incontinence. Because physically I don't have an incontinence problem without the cough -- there is no fix for my incontinence. I don't cough a couple times a day. I cough nearly all the time. It's loud enough that we can't hear the tv, it aggravates my asthma, and sometimes it even causes my to throw up.

It won't kill me, but it means I can't do a lot of things. I love my church - and going. How can I when my coughing is a constant disruption and distraction? Plus the gross factor of over half of my coughing spells are productive. That is the case with most outings. We had a family friend who is almost like an adopted son visit and they wanted to meet at a restaurant. I took 4 different cough/cold medications and still had a cough that drew stares and eve some comments. I don't go out much, and it's hard to talk on the phone.

So, I'm isolated. My cats love me, but that's a total cliche, isn't it?

My husband. My poor husband. How can you have sex when you can't breathe and you're constantly peeing yourself? It's been months - and I can't think of a fix. I know he loves me - but it's hard for him. It hurts me that I know I am not meeting that need for him. He's only human too - and part of me does worry that eventually I'll lose him. He had enough to put up with without this last push. And the cough and incontinence aren't a couple months old. It has been years.

Yesterday I hit a new low. Showers are exhausting for me. Maybe that sounds ridiculous - but it's a fact. My husband calls it my "PSRP" (Post Shower Recovery Period). I take a shower so we can go somewhere, but I have to rest for 15 to 30 minutes afterward or I won't have the energy to do anything.

But this shower --- I coughed so hard and then this huge wave of nausea hit. I was so sick that I ended up getting out without even getting all the conditioner out of my hair. I was pretty much worthless for the rest of the day. I took that shower just after 5 pm.

So, when my husband called and asked me about my day... I just imploded. I didn't have anything worth saying. I hadn't accomplished anything and as much as I wanted to be positive and uplifting for my hard working husband - I was feeling defeated, worthless, deflated, exhausted, alone, and angry. I wasn't nice. I wasn't who I wanted to be.

I don't have any answers. I have tried tons of medications (prescribed and over the counter), essential oils, air purifiers, supplements... My next appointment isn't until the end of October. Pray for answers, healing, patience, and most of all for my attitude.

Flirtation Walk - Review

Summary: West Point History Comes Alive in this Warmhearted Romance

Trying to escape the shambles her con-man father has made of their reputation, Lucinda Curtis arrives in West Point, New York, determined to land a husband from the military academy. Campbell Conklin is first in his class and preparing to embark upon a storied career in the U.S. Army. Lucinda thinks Campbell will make the perfect husband . . . as long as he does not find out about her father.

Seth Westcott also has taken a liking to Lucinda. He's kind, smart . . . and working extremely hard to graduate last. Tradition states that the worst cadets are assigned to the cavalry out west. And west is where Seth must head to track the swindler who stole all of Seth's mother's money. Seth is smart enough to vie for the top spot, but life isn't fair and this is his chance to catch the man who ruined his family. It's too bad Campbell is all shine and no substance, but Lucinda will surely see through all of that, won't she?

My Take:

I had a conversation with a fellow Christian recently about Christian fiction. She said she never read it because it was like Wonder bread -- sweet and clean with some verses added but no real substance. I told her to try a couple authors and one of them was Siri Mitchell. 

I've read several of her books and they are normally very thoughtful, accurate, and seem to have more meaning the deeper you dig. This wasn't quite as deep as some, but after reading her author's note at the end, I know why she was fascinated by the characters and the story behind them.

I also loved how Lucinda's character is an exaggeration of how we all put on masks and try and please people to get what we want from them. I think there is too much of that going on in the church today -- and being more genuine about our struggles might help our ability to reach out to others and show God's work in our lives - rather than being seen as hypocrites and liars. 

Unfortunately, I've met many people like Lucinda's father. It is interesting to see how so much of her life was built on lies and manipulations - and her struggle to come to terms with her part in that -- and what kind of person she wanted to be. Unfortunately, I've also seen too many who, like Lucinda, believe that their past determines their future and that not even God could love and accept them. 

I loved learning about the Immortals (a term I'd never heard before) and understanding these were often good men who were loyal and honest, but just not driven by the same ambition as others -- or wanted to live every moment rather than focus on the rules and regimentation of training with some hope of living their lives in the future. I think balance is important in that area - and hard to achieve. What will we truly regret on our deathbeds? They may have the right idea.

I think it was wonderful to see a character like Seth - and many of his friends - who are military men wanting to protect their home and families. Many men and women in the military are just that -- caretakers and shepherds. They aren't barbarians and violent people as they have been portrayed. We should be thankful for them and the sacrifices they make for us and the country.

Although not my favorite book by Siri Mitchell, I enjoyed this very much. I thank the publisher for my copy, though it in no way influenced my review.

Risen - Review

Back Cover: A Powerful Novelization from Bestselling Author Angela Hunt 
Epic in scope, yet deeply personal, this novelization offers a unique perspective on the story of the resurrection. Roman Tribune Clavius is assigned by Pilate to keep the radical followers of the recently executed Yeshua from stealing the body and inciting revolution. When the body goes missing despite his precautions, Clavius must hunt it down.
His investigation leads him from the halls of Herod Antipas to the Garden of Gethsemane and brings him in touch with believer and doubter alike. But as the body still remains missing, Clavius commits to a quest for the truth--and answers that will not only shake his life but echo throughout all of history. 
My Take: This was a wonderful book. It is a novelization of a movie coming out this month.

I liked the opportunity to see these events from a very different perspective. I think it resonated with me so much because I could relate to Clavius. He's a Roman soldier and thinks logically. He believes in the power of his ability (and the ability of Rome) to reason and come to the right outcome. He is a firm believer in duty and loyalty.

He's charged by Pilate to ensure Jesus' body is not stolen - and then to investigate when the tomb is found empty. He starts in one place -- with his own ideas about what happened and why. He is intelligent and fairly content with his world order. His one area of discontent is that he is tired of death. He's seen  and dealt too much it and doesn't have any faith in his gods to stop it.

I also approached the idea of faith like some scientist trying to dissect it and come to some logical conclusion. So I can relate to how he questions things and tries to make order out of the chaos of political machinations, zealots, miracles... He is open enough to see what has actually happened and how it may change everything.

I read in the author's notes that Rachel's character was cut from the movie and I think that's sad. Her story gave his context -- and allowed us to see a side of him that I don't think would be seen without her. I also thought her story was important in and of itself. A woman alone in that time period faced a lot of trials and I thought the way she dealt with that was very interesting.

I was given a copy of this book by the publisher in exchange for my honest review.

Sensitive

I broke a fingernail on Saturday. I'm not a high maintenance girly girl, but I do have long fingernails. I don't do much of anything with them - and breaking one didn't hurt my heart or anything - but it did make me think.

The nail had covered the skin on the end of my pinky. Breaking that nail exposed sensitive skin. It didn't hurt - but everything felt differently - and ... more.

I found myself constantly touching it -- and using it to touch other things. I would use it to pet my cats, feel the fabric on my couch, the cold of my water bottle ... It was like noticing all my everyday things in a brand new way.

The experience gave me a new appreciation for the blessings I'd been taking for granted. I found myself wishing that I could break the fingernail of my heart and soul so I could be like a child -- in awe-- aware of and discovering everything and everyone around me. Loving in that no-holds-barred - nothing held back kind of way.

So, today I'm thankful for a broken fingernail and the lessons it taught me.